hating being consoled

I hate being consoled. I hate it whenever someone comes up to me and says, “Why are you sad?” especially when I am sad because of a grade or worse, when I am not sad. I hate the touching and cuddling to make the person feel good. 

I know it is made with a good intention, but I feel and think that those strokes and cuddles result from pity. For instance, when I am sitting alone at recess working on my computer, if someone comes up to me and performs the “pity performance,” there is a high potential that it will have a harmful effect. It immediately makes me take a step back. Of course, sometimes I like being cared for and love caring for my friends. If I feel a mood change or battery failure, I immediately find ways to fix and recharge them. But I do it secretly by changing the subject or suggesting things to do to cheer them up. I never directly say, “Are you OK?” Because most of the people do not directly share their problems and hesitate. They do not suddenly say, “No, actually, I am not OK; I think I will never be truly loved and valued.” It is useless to remind the persons of problems and directly indicate that their sadness or anger is easily noticed. That person may want to keep their problem to themselves or not reflect it to their environment. Also, asking this ridiculous question is a spotlight directed at that individual, which is highly uncomfortable. 

The most annoying thing is that someone assumes you are sad or angry when you are not. Especially when I am energetic, someone says, “You look down. Are you OK?” Oh, now that you said that I am not, because you implied that my resting face is like an angry granny screaming at kids who play in front of their house. The energy and fuel I have inside all of a sudden disappear. The worst part is when they ask this as a follow-up, “Oh, you just look so angry/sad!” and laugh. My response is usually just laughing and walking away. Sometimes, walking away from your problems is the only right and healthy choice. Then, after walking away, I wonder how the happiest face I have ever put on is angry. I wonder how my natural angry face looks if this is “angry.”

I want to specify my rage towards someone consoling me while sitting alone. Yes, I am an individual who would like to take a breath from socializing and talking. I am someone who has other things to do other than chatting. And most importantly, I am an “individual”. Sitting alone in the class during recess is normal. I don’t sit there for 30 minutes, of course. When it is a 15-minute break, and I am too lazy to get food, I choose solitude. I work on my projects and homework and watch TikToks. But then, this peaceful moment is ruined by someone saying, “Why are you alone?” God, is it that absurd and abnormal just to be myself? I spent 9 months alone in my mom’s belly, and I turned out perfectly fine. When I sleep, I am by myself. When I am in the bathroom, I am alone. So, maybe I also need a little privacy and solitude in public places. 

To wrap up, some people like to show their loved ones that they care for them, and some don’t like the attention or love it. I don’t like “direct” attention. I don’t know; it is also nice to know that someone out there cares for you and checks on you. There are multiple ways to show that care, and I think I only don’t like the “spotlight care.” Or maybe I am just a defective product…